Linda Horsta

Category: Friendships

  • E Files, news, stress.. How to stay sane?

    E Files, news, stress.. How to stay sane?

    Are you affected by the you-know-what files? Distracted by the constant bad influx of news? In stress about what next dumb thing orange T will do or say? Feeling depressive, negative, helpless etc. because of all this..

    Then I’m glad you found this post.

    I’ve been there so many times and I hope that what I learned from my “dark rabbit holes” of emotion overtaking my life will help you as well.

    It all comes down to emotion regulation. Information like this won’t leave us neutral unless we are numbing ourselves. It is designed to create an emotional reaction when written by journalists etc.

    So hey, if you are affected you are emotionally open and that is a good thing. That shows that your values have been overstepped and you are NOT okay with the actions of others.

    What helps to stay sane?

    Find out the underlying value that stirs you up. Knowing your value will bring out a lot more agency over what you are feeling. It brings awareness and clarity. You get to know yourself better. Best with asking a few coaching questions like:

    Why is X impacting me?

    Why do I feel triggered by X?

    Ideally, write down the answers to those questions and you will see the values that are triggered by this. Those values are important to you. Just like my values of freedom, authenticity and love are SO triggered by all this.

    This is the 1st step – becoming aware, but then comes the real deal for helpful change: action.

    Action is what will shift you from feeling helpless in this matter to being helpful!

    Since I’m also so NOT okay with those monstrous actions and my values are deeply triggered: My way of doing something about it is writing this.

    It is my way of regulating my emotions, understanding them, allowing them whilst I write (I release my emotions whilst I write) and eventually giving you something meaningful from this. Looking at what is in my control. Finding out and knowing clearly which of my values are shown and acting on those values in a helpful impactful way.

    For finding out the helpful actions you can take, ask yourself:

    What could help me to release my emotions?

    What can I do that would help in this matter?

    Write it out, let it out. There might be a lot more that you can do than you thought.

    Just in case you got stuck when asking those questions, ask yourself: What does my reaction to these questions mean?

    Many of us will need to regulate the emotions first as that is how it works. You are emotionally affected and that means that regulation is needed. Then I suggest journaling about your emotions and/or physically releasing them with movement, I personally like to dance out my emotions, but perhaps you just need to scream.

    By the way, although emotions often feel like they overpower us, we have the real power to shift them by what we choose to do with that.

    For example, when I was emotionally overpowered by watching a documentary about Tina Turners story of survival from domestic abuse, I allowed myself to ugly cry full on. For me it hit right in the heart as I also have been in an abusive romantic relationship. Allowing those emotions whilst being in a safe environment was healing for me. It was one of the first cases when I realised that I feel so triggered, because of my values of Love and Freedom. Both where strongly overstepped in her case. What I could act upon at that time was to start to talk about my story so that more women would be inspired to leave their unhealthy relationships. Recognise it and take the bold leap. As I once did, as Tina Turner did.

    Other ideas of action:

    • Donate to organisations that help in the matter,
    • Protest with others on this matter,
    • Share helpful information on where to reach out if someone is affected by something similar,
    • Educate yourself on what one can do to help,
    • Join an organisation that helps in the matter,
    • Learn more about your values and incorporate them in your daily life more,
    • Create art from your feelings,
    • Learn to talk about the hard subjects in a way that helps and finds solutions,
    • Tweak how much news you consume and set boundaries on when it is enough (no you don’t need to be informed 24/7),
    • Choose what you want to focus your mind on and create habits that support it (I love to focus on Love by going to psychologist, watching good news channels weekly, following neuroscientists to learn about my brain, donating to organisations who’s work I love, growing plants, connecting to nature etc.)
    • If you know someone going through a tough time, because of news like this, share this with them.

    I’m curious to see your ideas of actions – you can comment below or send them privately to me and I would love to add them to the list.

    Do you start to feel like even in the darkest of times, you have a choice on what to do with what your given?

    In fact the good things are happening as well, they just don’t drop onto you in the same way. They inspire us, they motivate us, they lift us. A very different set of emotions appear. And in fact, they ignite the same values! It simply feels different so we don’t pay too much attention to it.

    What if you could start to focus on your values and then step by step build an ability to notice the full spectrum of things happening in the world with similar ability of reaction?

    Thank you for reading my perspective in this matter and I hope this was helpful to you. Let’s create meaningful impact with our time here. A life worth living.

  • What I learned from reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

    What I learned from reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

    Have you ever met a man whom you would call a Nice Guy? The chances are that you have and that they are nice to a degree. Nice on the surface or perhaps nice until..

    Yeah, I’ve met them and I can attest that there are multiple version of how it may play out. Many of them actually think they are nice themselves. They do their absolute best to make sure those around them feel good. Sadly dismissing how they feel themselves and often they don’t understand why the other doesn’t give them as much as they do.

    Here’s the juicy part.

    Most often they do things and actions no one asked them to do, they assume that is what the other wants. Sometimes they still do what the other has actually asked, but they have a deep inner expectation to receive something in return. Aka creating a conditional transaction.

    It all stems from a deep space within where their subconscious made survival strategies when they were kids that goes along like this: “When I do X and X I will be loved”, “When I meet the other person needs I will be accepted” and so on.

    The tricky bit in this is that they don’t know this consciously in their regular thinking mind and that’s where this book is so helpful in my opinion. It speaks in a language that helps the man who might have this syndrome to recognise it through the facts of his current life.

    So what are the symptoms of a Nice Guy syndrome?

    • Unknowingly to himself he seeks approval from others. He needs validation and often it’s the root for being nice to others to get attention in return. It especially shows up in the relationships with women or the ones he’s interested in romantically. They often manipulate without knowing that they do so as that’s their learned form or getting what they want, without asking directly.
    • He’s very giving and they might pride themselves for being so giving to others. Sadly it stems from the transactional need to get attention for being so good.
    • Very intent to fix and take care of others problems and their needs, most often when not asked to do so. Of course, they become really good at fixing, but they have a hard time to simply support and believe that others can take care of themselves on their own.
    • Great at avoiding conflict, prone to smoothing things out, especially in romantic relationships and work. Hence not so good at knowing, setting and keeping their boundaries. Boundaries are often a loose term for them aka they need to practice a lot to actually sustain them.
    • Masterful at hiding their flaws and mistakes so that they wouldn’t get shamed, be angry at or be left for their mistakes. Very often linked to their sexual life as its a big shame topic.
    • Of course, they have no complete idea of their true feelings as they hide them from others and themselves. They rather analyse than actually feel. It connects to their need of being conflict free. If you have no strong feelings, there’s no need to properly address them.
    • They often try to be different than their fathers where. Most often, because their fathers where absent or unavailable, passive, stoic, angry, troubled, abusive or addicted to something. Not the best examples for a young boy.
    • And that’s why they are more likely to be more comfortable with women. In most cases they don’t have many close male friends. They unknowingly seek out the approval of women and so they have more close relationships with them.
    • They believe that stating their own needs as priority is selfish. They think they are being really good for putting their needs as less important. They often don’t like this action in other men.
    • When they are in a romantic relationship their partners becomes the emotional center of it. They are happy if their partner is happy and they are ready to do a lot for it to happen, often at the expense of their own needs not met.
    • They like to be different than other men as they like to believe that they are not selfish, angry or abusive. Although that’s far from the truth.
    • In MOST cases of when I recognised a Nice Guy they were bitter about their relationships with women and how they had such a bad luck. They somehow found the worst kind of women for whom they did so much. Not realising the amount of self agency they always give away when meeting someone they like.

    I list these symptoms so that you can recognise the potential men in your life with this thought process. The good news is, as anything learned it can be shifted, but it takes the man himself to do the process.

    That’s why I think this book is so powerful as the writer is a recovering Nice Guy himself. Dr. Robert A. Glover has a doctors degree in psychotherapy, he worked as a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years and he began to specialise his work in the Nice Guy area back then. He has helped a lot of men to overcome this syndrome and still is the leading expert in this niche.

    As a woman I can attest to his discoveries of how a man needs to change to be attracted by a healthy woman. I have been very open about how sexy a strong set of boundaries are in a man. It actually makes me trust a man more if he does what he says he will do.

    I suggest this book for both men and women who feel they know someone with this syndrome or are in a relationship with one.

    It was a fun read and I got to have interesting conversations with my partner about it, as it gave a glimpse into the mans world.

    Just in case you are not ready to commit and read the book I suggest listening to some interviews with Dr. Robert Glover, it’s a lot of fun. Or check out his Youtube channel right here.

    Personal thank to the man who leant it to me!

  • Illness and close relationships

    Illness and close relationships

    It hurt so much more when I learned that my sister had a chronic illness, then when I found out that I had a different chronic illness, too.

    All I wanted to do was scream at whoever the creator is about it’s cruelty. My sister does not deserve it I kept on thinking. Yet I have never thought that about my own diagnosis.

    We experience such news from different perspectives.

    As a sister all I want is to protect and I was helpless in this discovery. I’m not a doctor and I knew almost nothing about MS (multiple sclerosis). Yet I wanted to be able to support her somehow. So I did my best, I listened to her and tried to learn about her condition on the side.

    Whilst as someone who got a diagnosis:

    For me it was part relief, because I finally knew what was behind all the physical misery and that I wasn’t weak I simply had adenomyosis.

    The other part was a full blown sense of victimhood. Why me? Why anyone? Sort of questions.

    The victimhood transformed as I got more understanding of what it is and what I can do. Now I don’t feel it much, as therapy and coaching helped me to shift my perspective to understanding that people with illness are not victims. They are people with challenges that influence their daily lives, but not victims who need saving.

    Yes we need support, but that is different than being saved by someone (having power vs giving power away). Perhaps I will write about this in more detail one day.

    The perspective matters, and if you are in the shoes of the supporter, here’s what you can do:

    1. Understand that you have control only for your actions and your loved one has the power to choose how they act. You may think it’s helpful to tell them what to eat and how to change their life to get better, but all they want is for you to either be there or listen. Most probably the doctors are already overwhelming them on instructions on what to do and you can help by figuring it out together, if they feel safe to share that.
    2. The most helpful actions will often come from their needs, so simply learn to ask them: “What do you need the most right now that I can help you with?”. We absolutely need to ask this, because many of us don’t know how to ask for help and how to receive it. It on its own is a hard change to ask someone to make you lunch or clean your laundry, or listen to you whilst you feel weak and need to cry. All of this is vulnerable and by asking this question you give the strength to your loved one to support them in a way that they feel comfortable with. It is also ok, if they don’t know yet. Keep on asking and tell them why it is important for you to help.
    3. Educate yourself on their specific condition so that they do not have to explain it to you. I need to explain what adenomyosis is almost every time I mention it publicly. I’m grateful when a person knows what it is, because then we can have an actual conversation about it. Instead of me explaining, I can talk about my experiences and feel more heard and seen. By being one of the close persons they can talk to about how it is can help to feel less alone.

    As you may have noticed these actions involve vulnerable and uncomfortable conversations and actions from your side. For the communication to be truly giving you need to listen more, than talk. This may be your chance to train how to be a better listener.

    Everyone’s illness story is different and that also is important to understand. Although I have adenomyosis I am able to live a comfortable life as I’ve found simple treatments that work for me, whilst I know women who need operations for that same result, and there are many women who eventually remove their cervix to get back to a normal life. Whilst others never do.

    A life with chronic illness shakes up the whole lifestyle we had before, and grieving that is a big part of it. By caring for your loved one, you may see ups and downs, but know that your support means the world for them. They can’t and don’t have to go through it alone and that’s the greatest gift you can give to them. Your love and attention is what they need the most and what you can choose to give.

    Whilst I don’t wish for anyone’s loved one to get a chronic illness, nowadays I’m grateful that I get to share my experiences with my sis’ and we can talk about it as it is. We understand the process and although we have different issues, we support each other the way it is most helpful at that moment.

    P.S. If you have a chronic illness, I coach on this topic as well. It is a specific type of coaching, so we always need to have an intake free call to understand if coaching can be helpful at this moment.

    I’ve benefit from combining: 1. finding healthcare professionals I trust. 2. going to a psychologist to deal with my grief and worries. 3. coaching as a method to find helpful ways to create a future that is loving and sustainable towards me.

  • Ask your questions

    Ask your questions

    What if you tried to solve that one issue that nags you regularly with your romantic partner? What if you could share your needs clearly with your family? What if you could be honest with your colleagues about your thoughts on the project? What if you trusted yourself whole-heartedly?

    Perhaps what came up inspires you to try to find ways to solve the issues you experience in the relationships around you or the relationship you have with yourself.

    In case you want to change things, but don’t know where and how to begin.. share your issues of the moment anonymously and I will respond in a blog post (within 1-2 weeks) to give you a chance to get inspired and become more open about your needs and finding ways to meet them!

    I’m aware that these topics are vulnerable and that’s why I give you the chance to be anonymous,

    to hopefully give you a boost of courage to reach out to a professional when you are ready to face them in person and change things actively.