Linda Horsta

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  • E Files, news, stress.. How to stay sane?

    E Files, news, stress.. How to stay sane?

    Are you affected by the you-know-what files? Distracted by the constant bad influx of news? In stress about what next dumb thing orange T will do or say? Feeling depressive, negative, helpless etc. because of all this..

    Then I’m glad you found this post.

    I’ve been there so many times and I hope that what I learned from my “dark rabbit holes” of emotion overtaking my life will help you as well.

    It all comes down to emotion regulation. Information like this won’t leave us neutral unless we are numbing ourselves. It is designed to create an emotional reaction when written by journalists etc.

    So hey, if you are affected you are emotionally open and that is a good thing. That shows that your values have been overstepped and you are NOT okay with the actions of others.

    What helps to stay sane?

    Find out the underlying value that stirs you up. Knowing your value will bring out a lot more agency over what you are feeling. It brings awareness and clarity. You get to know yourself better. Best with asking a few coaching questions like:

    Why is X impacting me?

    Why do I feel triggered by X?

    Ideally, write down the answers to those questions and you will see the values that are triggered by this. Those values are important to you. Just like my values of freedom, authenticity and love are SO triggered by all this.

    This is the 1st step – becoming aware, but then comes the real deal for helpful change: action.

    Action is what will shift you from feeling helpless in this matter to being helpful!

    Since I’m also so NOT okay with those monstrous actions and my values are deeply triggered: My way of doing something about it is writing this.

    It is my way of regulating my emotions, understanding them, allowing them whilst I write (I release my emotions whilst I write) and eventually giving you something meaningful from this. Looking at what is in my control. Finding out and knowing clearly which of my values are shown and acting on those values in a helpful impactful way.

    For finding out the helpful actions you can take, ask yourself:

    What could help me to release my emotions?

    What can I do that would help in this matter?

    Write it out, let it out. There might be a lot more that you can do than you thought.

    Just in case you got stuck when asking those questions, ask yourself: What does my reaction to these questions mean?

    Many of us will need to regulate the emotions first as that is how it works. You are emotionally affected and that means that regulation is needed. Then I suggest journaling about your emotions and/or physically releasing them with movement, I personally like to dance out my emotions, but perhaps you just need to scream.

    By the way, although emotions often feel like they overpower us, we have the real power to shift them by what we choose to do with that.

    For example, when I was emotionally overpowered by watching a documentary about Tina Turners story of survival from domestic abuse, I allowed myself to ugly cry full on. For me it hit right in the heart as I also have been in an abusive romantic relationship. Allowing those emotions whilst being in a safe environment was healing for me. It was one of the first cases when I realised that I feel so triggered, because of my values of Love and Freedom. Both where strongly overstepped in her case. What I could act upon at that time was to start to talk about my story so that more women would be inspired to leave their unhealthy relationships. Recognise it and take the bold leap. As I once did, as Tina Turner did.

    Other ideas of action:

    • Donate to organisations that help in the matter,
    • Protest with others on this matter,
    • Share helpful information on where to reach out if someone is affected by something similar,
    • Educate yourself on what one can do to help,
    • Join an organisation that helps in the matter,
    • Learn more about your values and incorporate them in your daily life more,
    • Create art from your feelings,
    • Learn to talk about the hard subjects in a way that helps and finds solutions,
    • Tweak how much news you consume and set boundaries on when it is enough (no you don’t need to be informed 24/7),
    • Choose what you want to focus your mind on and create habits that support it (I love to focus on Love by going to psychologist, watching good news channels weekly, following neuroscientists to learn about my brain, donating to organisations who’s work I love, growing plants, connecting to nature etc.)
    • If you know someone going through a tough time, because of news like this, share this with them.

    I’m curious to see your ideas of actions – you can comment below or send them privately to me and I would love to add them to the list.

    Do you start to feel like even in the darkest of times, you have a choice on what to do with what your given?

    In fact the good things are happening as well, they just don’t drop onto you in the same way. They inspire us, they motivate us, they lift us. A very different set of emotions appear. And in fact, they ignite the same values! It simply feels different so we don’t pay too much attention to it.

    What if you could start to focus on your values and then step by step build an ability to notice the full spectrum of things happening in the world with similar ability of reaction?

    Thank you for reading my perspective in this matter and I hope this was helpful to you. Let’s create meaningful impact with our time here. A life worth living.

  • What I learned from reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

    What I learned from reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

    Have you ever met a man whom you would call a Nice Guy? The chances are that you have and that they are nice to a degree. Nice on the surface or perhaps nice until..

    Yeah, I’ve met them and I can attest that there are multiple version of how it may play out. Many of them actually think they are nice themselves. They do their absolute best to make sure those around them feel good. Sadly dismissing how they feel themselves and often they don’t understand why the other doesn’t give them as much as they do.

    Here’s the juicy part.

    Most often they do things and actions no one asked them to do, they assume that is what the other wants. Sometimes they still do what the other has actually asked, but they have a deep inner expectation to receive something in return. Aka creating a conditional transaction.

    It all stems from a deep space within where their subconscious made survival strategies when they were kids that goes along like this: “When I do X and X I will be loved”, “When I meet the other person needs I will be accepted” and so on.

    The tricky bit in this is that they don’t know this consciously in their regular thinking mind and that’s where this book is so helpful in my opinion. It speaks in a language that helps the man who might have this syndrome to recognise it through the facts of his current life.

    So what are the symptoms of a Nice Guy syndrome?

    • Unknowingly to himself he seeks approval from others. He needs validation and often it’s the root for being nice to others to get attention in return. It especially shows up in the relationships with women or the ones he’s interested in romantically. They often manipulate without knowing that they do so as that’s their learned form or getting what they want, without asking directly.
    • He’s very giving and they might pride themselves for being so giving to others. Sadly it stems from the transactional need to get attention for being so good.
    • Very intent to fix and take care of others problems and their needs, most often when not asked to do so. Of course, they become really good at fixing, but they have a hard time to simply support and believe that others can take care of themselves on their own.
    • Great at avoiding conflict, prone to smoothing things out, especially in romantic relationships and work. Hence not so good at knowing, setting and keeping their boundaries. Boundaries are often a loose term for them aka they need to practice a lot to actually sustain them.
    • Masterful at hiding their flaws and mistakes so that they wouldn’t get shamed, be angry at or be left for their mistakes. Very often linked to their sexual life as its a big shame topic.
    • Of course, they have no complete idea of their true feelings as they hide them from others and themselves. They rather analyse than actually feel. It connects to their need of being conflict free. If you have no strong feelings, there’s no need to properly address them.
    • They often try to be different than their fathers where. Most often, because their fathers where absent or unavailable, passive, stoic, angry, troubled, abusive or addicted to something. Not the best examples for a young boy.
    • And that’s why they are more likely to be more comfortable with women. In most cases they don’t have many close male friends. They unknowingly seek out the approval of women and so they have more close relationships with them.
    • They believe that stating their own needs as priority is selfish. They think they are being really good for putting their needs as less important. They often don’t like this action in other men.
    • When they are in a romantic relationship their partners becomes the emotional center of it. They are happy if their partner is happy and they are ready to do a lot for it to happen, often at the expense of their own needs not met.
    • They like to be different than other men as they like to believe that they are not selfish, angry or abusive. Although that’s far from the truth.
    • In MOST cases of when I recognised a Nice Guy they were bitter about their relationships with women and how they had such a bad luck. They somehow found the worst kind of women for whom they did so much. Not realising the amount of self agency they always give away when meeting someone they like.

    I list these symptoms so that you can recognise the potential men in your life with this thought process. The good news is, as anything learned it can be shifted, but it takes the man himself to do the process.

    That’s why I think this book is so powerful as the writer is a recovering Nice Guy himself. Dr. Robert A. Glover has a doctors degree in psychotherapy, he worked as a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years and he began to specialise his work in the Nice Guy area back then. He has helped a lot of men to overcome this syndrome and still is the leading expert in this niche.

    As a woman I can attest to his discoveries of how a man needs to change to be attracted by a healthy woman. I have been very open about how sexy a strong set of boundaries are in a man. It actually makes me trust a man more if he does what he says he will do.

    I suggest this book for both men and women who feel they know someone with this syndrome or are in a relationship with one.

    It was a fun read and I got to have interesting conversations with my partner about it, as it gave a glimpse into the mans world.

    Just in case you are not ready to commit and read the book I suggest listening to some interviews with Dr. Robert Glover, it’s a lot of fun. Or check out his Youtube channel right here.

    Personal thank to the man who leant it to me!

  • Moments of vacation that made me love my partner even more

    Moments of vacation that made me love my partner even more

    Why do I say that vacation is one of the best ways to love our long-term partners more?

    It’s because we are out of our daily habits/ challenges and can be reminded that we don’t know everything about our partners. Yes, that’s true, we don’t. I have no idea how my partner would react if he saw a lion in nature.. I don’t even know how I would react. But if we went for a safari wildlife trip, we could find out.

    Okay, enough with the extreme scenarios. Let’s see great examples from my relationship so far.

    I try to make sure to do new things with my partner consciously, because I know that research shows that happy and healthy long-term couples do this regularly.

    On our recent trip to Andalusia (South of Spain) I discovered that his level of Spanish is much higher than I thought as he says “he doesn’t have any”. But that’s not true. He was able to understand most of what all the waiters said. I was impressed as I do speak some Spanish. It was sexy to be reminded of his intellect and ability to communicate.

    Cueva del Tesoro
    Inside Alhambra
    A bit of hiking
    Almuñécar views
    Best meal of the trip: El Rey del Pulpo con arroz negro
    Alhambra palace territory and the Sierra Nevada mountain range in the background.

    But the most memorable was the moment when I was blank and scared, but my partner’s calm in the challenging situation made it safe and easy. We were going steeply uphill to the top of a hill to get to the castle hotel where we had to stay overnight. We were going left and right quickly on the serpentine small road. It was raining and then at the very top the steepest part came, but before us was a truck who was a few meters away from the top, tires rolling in spot. You may imagine what could have happened if the truck started to slide down.. I did imagine that with inner horror. Yet my partner has driven on steep roads before (I hadn’t really) and knew what he could do to stay safe. A few seconds of me being in freeze mode and trying not to scare him with my fears (I really wanted to scream, but I knew it wouldn’t be helpful, so I was quiet instead), whilst the truck managed to go the last few meters. And we drove to our spot as well.

    I’m still scared whilst writing this, but I’m so aware that when he overcame this obstacle and I overcame my inner battle, we had grown stronger. My trust in him increased and reminded me why I trust him so much already. His reactions in the face of danger is often very opposite of mine and it balances very well. There are also dangers where I am the calm, so I know we reciprocate in this beautifully.

    One of the most beautiful hotels ever!
    We made it!
    The view was worth it!

    Last moment I wish to share, 

    was when we decided to do things on our own whilst still on vacation together. We had 9 day’s together and 6 of them had daily active plans made ahead to visit Granada and its main tourist attraction Alhambra (castle complex), but also see some nature in the region. Whilst only the last 2,5 days were in Malaga city without a clear agenda and we both needed different things. He wished to go with his own flow and I wanted to shop and go to Hammam for the 1st time. So we did our things, but were so happy to get together for lunch or dinner and be together after we had fulfilled our own needs first. We are aware that the other doesn’t need to make us happy. We make ourselves happy first and then share it on a higher level together.

    Tapa: Un Perrito de Malagueño
    Fell in love with Málaga
    Hammam Al Ándalus

    I came back nourished (especially from the Hammam and massage) and happy. He had a great day of flowing, walking and exploring neighbourhoods and coffee shops. We had our adventures together, we overcame obstacles and we came closer through the shared experiences of discoveries.

    Of course, you can also do new activities together, without the high costs of travelling. But if you both align on liking traveling, that is an easy way of taking yourself out of the comfort zone, yet be open to seeing each other in a new light. 

    I recommend this mindset to long term couples to remain open with each other and feel excitement even after many years of living together. 

    How do you keep your relationship fresh? 

  • 4 steps to get over your ex

    4 steps to get over your ex

    This guide is best right after you’ve broken up and still feel shitty. These are meant for those who are experiencing the hardship of a break-up and wish to move on.

    Modern neuroscience has proven that break ups can hurt as much as a broken arm might. The neurobiology of this state is similar to addiction to substances. No wonder you feel both broken and addicted to the one who broke you..

    But what can you do to move on? To heal and enjoy life once again?

    1st crucial step – avoid the familiar

    Since the ending of a romantic relationship is similar for the body as when getting off drugs you’re addicted to, it’s very important to avoid visiting places and activities that remind you of them. If you lived together: reorganise your house, get rid of the pictures and their things and go out as much as possible. Fill your mind with what else is available in this vast world. Try to create new experiences.

    2nd step – awareness and acceptance

    With broken bones you wouldn’t think twice, you would rush to a hospital to treat your body. Well this is more of a mind-brain-emotional breakage so the doctor to go to is a mental health professional. Pick someone you feel you can trust and be honest to. Options vary from psychologists to coaches specialising in relationship care. But to be honest, any form of being able to be truthful of how you feel and accepting it will be what does the trick. Yet, often break ups reveal underlying deeper issues and that’s why a professional can be the best choice not to fall back into the same pattern again.

    Sometimes the first step is to reach out to a close person and tell them that you are suffering.  Asking for help and accepting it is brave and you are worth it!

    Since we need closure to move on, you can also become aware of what wasn’t working out so well. Maybe even create a list of things you didn’t like so much about the relationship.

    3rd step – healthy routine

    I kid you not, in the times when I’ve been most down and there have been many, having a regular simple routine like your job or something you do daily is the best way to rewire your brain to go through the process, whilst recovering towards being happy again.

    Healthy exercise is one of the ways to get a healthy dose of dopamine, which is able to give a sense of reward and helps to have better sleep.

    Going to sleep at the same time and waking up at the same time (even on the weekends) can help your mind to process all that is going on and renew your system whilst you rest. Good sleep routine is always helpful to give us the energy we need, and remember – your body is healing at the moment. So take proper healing care of it, as if though it had a broken limb.

    In case you do not have a morning and evening routine – try it out. In the mornings you might have connected to your ex, now it’s time to create new actions to surpass your past habit. You can connect to a close friend instead by texting them “good morning” or perhaps you prefer to try out something for yourself. You can journal your feelings, you can exercise, you can put on a song you like and dance. You actually can do whatever you want.

    Of course, the challenge is that in the morning our subconscious is the most active and it can bring all the memories flooding back. When that happens, put on 5 or 10 min. timer and let them out ( feeling all that is and accepting it as it is according to the 2nd step of this guide).  After that go and do your morning routine as you rewire yourself for a new way of living on your own terms.

    I also mentioned the evening routine, because that one can get out of hand quickly. It’s so easy to start to scroll on your phone, binge watch, play video games late into night etc. All that leads to is wanting to text your ex. That’s why you need to choose a new habit for your evenings that can help you get to bed in time and build up a good sleeping schedule. Again, if the emotions are flooding you: put 5 to 10 min. timer and let them out – cry, scream, move, write. Whatever you need to feel. Accepting emotions like this allows the stress related to them to be released in a healthy and safe way.

    It may seem like a lot, if you never had built a healthy routine, but perhaps this is a sign to take care of yourself truly.

    4th step – connections

    This may be a true challenge, but it is very very important that you have a support system around you. Be it your friends or family, or perhaps a support group, even cuddling animals. Healing happens in connection to others as we are social beings, only by being a little bit social can give you the connection you need. Of course, a romantic relationship connects in areas that might not be the same.

    If you feel alone chances are that you need to learn to connect to more people around you. For some this will be a strong learning moment, that your ex did not have to be your only way of connecting. Connection needs to be with multiple people, not just one. Why? Because we need different connections for different purposes. And many of us have mistaken our partners to be the sole providers of that..

    IF you are a man who doesn’t have close male friends it is important you start to create them! If you are a woman who doesn’t have close female friends it’s time to start to create such friendships!

    I say this, because you need a support system around you. Of course, it can be from the other gender, but the chances are that you are a straight person reading this and perhaps you leaned onto your ex for being your best friend. But romantic relationships are not meant to be for that.

    In healthy romantic relationships each person relates with many people as friends and family, and also likes to relate to their romantic partner, but is not dependent on it solely. The romantic relationship is reserved for sexual and very intimate relating, whilst many of the friendships are a part of the actual support system around. If this is new to you, talk about it with your therapist and do some research about building healthy relationships and friendships.

    Although your heart might be a “broken bone” at the moment, every bone heals!

    Emotions heal when you feel them with acceptance and empathy, and the brain rewires as you take new actions. We humans are incredibly adaptive and you are at a space of opportunity. A place where you can build a lifestyle you truly enjoy and eventually have the loving romantic relationship you are truly worthy of. Being with someone who likes you for who you are.

    It is possible, but now try out the steps and heal my dear – a day at a time.

    P.S. If you want to explore how my service as a relationship coach can help you move on from your break up – reach out to my email tarotmysteriestribe@gmail.com texting “Breakup”. We will have a 30min. free coaching session to understand if coaching with me is what you want at this moment.

    Some of the sources for this blog post:

    • Using the logic of neuroscience to heal from a breakup ( Jaimee Bell about researches of Dr. Guy Winch and Dr. Helen Fisher, Dr. Edward Smith)
    • Rewire Your Neurotoolkit for Everyday Life (Neuroscientist Nicole Vignola)
    • The Neurobiology Behind Breakups ( Rhonda Freeman Ph.D. for Psychology Today )
    • The Neuroscience of Relationship Breakups ( Melanie Greenberg Ph.D. for Psychology Today )
    • Broken heart, broken brain: The neurology of breaking up and how to get over it ( Clif Mark interviewing Dr. Mike Dow for CBC Life)


  • “All men are pigs”..

    “All men are pigs”..

    Or “there are no good men left” are truly limiting thoughts that love to circle around. Yet is it the truth? The whole vast truth about all men on this planet..

    The issue is that when you believe in statements like that you limit yourself and you don’t notice the ones who are not. Your mind dismisses them, finds excuses why you don’t like the ones who are worthy of you.

    Yes, you focus your mind on the negative ones who stand out, but don’t notice the quiet ones nearby. We see this trend in politics at the moment as well.

    We’ve always had it in pop culture. Negative emotions are powerful at taking our attention and link very quickly to our reactive primitive mind centers.

    We protect ourselves.

    But is this the whole truth about the men available?

    Does this reflect every single man on this planet?

    Of course, not.

    You simply don’t know enough good examples and there might not be a habit of doubting black and white statements. Reality is always in the full color spectrum. Yes, the negative does exist, but so does positive and all in between, which is often the majority.

    For your mind to expand and notice the others you need to start to question these thoughts. Question them in conversations with your friends and others. You don’t need to oppose others opinions, but you can question your own.

    Often what we say is emotional, only partially reflective of the reality. Often blowing up a detail feels satisfying, yet it does not mean it’s factually true.

    How about you find one man that you think is kind of okay. Is there one? Keep on searching and you’ll realise that there are more. Perhaps start with your closest people.

    There are plenty of men who are willing to work on themselves and care deeply to be in a loving relationship. I know that, because I meet them in my coaching practice and conversations around the topics I work with.

    Yes, good men exist even in 2025 and there are good men available and searching for a romantic relationship at this very moment.

    Change your mindset = change your life and experience the love you seek!

    So start by asking those questions to yourself first and perhaps you’ll realise what’s needed to move. Or perhaps it will open up other areas to expand your mindset on as often we have thoughts like this to protect ourselves.

    As a coach I love to work on becoming aware of the protection mechanisms and finding ways to honor them, whilst opening the mindset to a chance of finding the love you seek. Contact me to receive a 30min. free intake session to try out how relationship coaching works.

  • The cost of lack of commitment in relationships

    The cost of lack of commitment in relationships

    Many have no idea that they are not ready to commit the attention, hours and their energy to building a new healthy relationship.

    If the relationships you choose tend to be not so great that is your unconscious comfort zone. Yet to change that you would need to invest yourself in development and opening your awareness of the subconscious acts. Now that takes commitment.

    Commitment to working through the uncomfortable parts of yourself both in becoming more self aware and in real life with another person.

    The truth is any new relationship will bring up the uncomfortable, the question is how you deal with that on your own and together.

    By becoming more aware through therapy or coaching can help you start to react differently. Notice the patterns and take a breath, before reacting in the old unconscious ways. That alone creates a new dynamic, where you can continue to develop yourself and change action patterns.

    How to feel more commited?

    Ask yourself how much has it cost you to no commit.. How many loving moments you haven’t been able to enjoy? How lonely have you felt? How often have you longed for someone special to just come into your life? How many times have you had to answer annoying questions about “why you don’t have anyone yet” and felt shitty afterwards?

    Which relationship never flourished, because you where never ready to work on it? How many potentially good connections you surpassed, because it didn’t feel like the one?

    How much love did you miss out on?

    Once you know the cost of not be willing to work on it, you may realise it’s too high not to try once more. The highest cost of not working on your romantic relationships is the constant returning to the same old patterns.

    By working on yourself you will learn how things can improve, by working in your relationships you’ll learn that everyone is doing it.

    No relationship is perfect. All are bringing up our depths and once we are willing to accept that relationships, especially romantic ones, are a place of self-growth and a place to learn, we can have them with ease.

    Whilst you think that romantic relationships are dreamily ideal, you are not open to the reality that there are two persons working on themselves and the relationship regularly, like in a life school. Relationship school.

    A healthy romantic relationship is something that is built by at least 2 people, who work on themselves and the relationship. They choose each other daily and are willing to accept the not-so-comfortable.

    Life brings up challenges and we are there to face them. In a healthy relationship you are aware of how it affects you personally and then communicate with your partner to understand how it impacts them. Then from there you may find ways on how to face it.

    So is the cost of returning to the old patterns and unhealthy relationships enough for you to start the first step and change your life and how you relate?

    If yes, then reach out to the specialist you feel connected to. I offer 30min. free intake session so that you know for sure if coaching and my communication style fits you.

  • This is why asking “why” is not helpful when it comes to your unhealthy relationship patterns

    This is why asking “why” is not helpful when it comes to your unhealthy relationship patterns

    When you once again have encountered a pattern that shows how your choice of a lover or partner is not working. It’s rather repeating what you know and don’t want.. we naturally go into analysis mode and ask ourselves “why”?

    This is going to show all of the reasons that will continue to convince us that are the causes. Some of us are going to blame others, some ourselves, many both. By asking this question we seek to explain what happened and continue to convince ourselves of our version of truth.

    Weirdly enough that continues the loop as we have not yet gotten a new thought, we are only examining the existing thoughts and feelings.

    To have a new perspective we either need to connect to our minds creative side by coaching (which is the last thing that will happen on its own, because our mind might be in a survival mode to cope with the situation) and explore other possibilities or be open to hear a new perspective from someone like a friend or therapist even.

    Whilst we are still in the trenches of pain and hurt we are not open to hear any other way, as we need to heal from the existing one. First aid is feeling safe again and perhaps sharing the feelings with safe people. Connecting in the feelings that need to be held and cared for.

    But when we are ready to move, please realise: that by not changing your mindset and actions, you might not find a different path. You need to change in order to choose differently.

    Simply our subconscious is wired to return to familiar situations, unless we actively create new ways. If you want to change the familiar and change towards a healthy loving model, you might want to combine therapy and coaching.

    Therapy to work with the past traumas and negative memories and finding ways to feel safe expressing the worst that has happened and heal from it in a safe space.

    Relationship Coaching to expand your mindset of what is possible, create new healthy mindset that is open to love and prepares you to create a partnership you wish for. Packed with actions that you can take to be ready and finally relax and know that you desire can happen. You can choose a person that is good for you, develop trust in yourself and others, and feel confident in your choice.

    This combination brings a powerful mindset change and improves our lifestyle. We feel empowered to trust ourselves and our ability to lead and create our life as we feel it needs to be. Even in the romantic relationships we choose.

    We become open to healthy romantic partners and we are more authentic, which works like a magnet for those who seek our true selves.

    Trust me, I’ve been there and when I met my partner I was finally a powerful magnet to the real me. No wonder I’m loved in this relationship for who I am, and who I am becoming.

    So if you are ready to let go of the old patterns and start a love life you deserve, reach out and set a time for 30min. free coaching to check if you like my style (message to horsta.linda@gmail.com or in social media @lindahorsta )

  • Illness and close relationships

    Illness and close relationships

    It hurt so much more when I learned that my sister had a chronic illness, then when I found out that I had a different chronic illness, too.

    All I wanted to do was scream at whoever the creator is about it’s cruelty. My sister does not deserve it I kept on thinking. Yet I have never thought that about my own diagnosis.

    We experience such news from different perspectives.

    As a sister all I want is to protect and I was helpless in this discovery. I’m not a doctor and I knew almost nothing about MS (multiple sclerosis). Yet I wanted to be able to support her somehow. So I did my best, I listened to her and tried to learn about her condition on the side.

    Whilst as someone who got a diagnosis:

    For me it was part relief, because I finally knew what was behind all the physical misery and that I wasn’t weak I simply had adenomyosis.

    The other part was a full blown sense of victimhood. Why me? Why anyone? Sort of questions.

    The victimhood transformed as I got more understanding of what it is and what I can do. Now I don’t feel it much, as therapy and coaching helped me to shift my perspective to understanding that people with illness are not victims. They are people with challenges that influence their daily lives, but not victims who need saving.

    Yes we need support, but that is different than being saved by someone (having power vs giving power away). Perhaps I will write about this in more detail one day.

    The perspective matters, and if you are in the shoes of the supporter, here’s what you can do:

    1. Understand that you have control only for your actions and your loved one has the power to choose how they act. You may think it’s helpful to tell them what to eat and how to change their life to get better, but all they want is for you to either be there or listen. Most probably the doctors are already overwhelming them on instructions on what to do and you can help by figuring it out together, if they feel safe to share that.
    2. The most helpful actions will often come from their needs, so simply learn to ask them: “What do you need the most right now that I can help you with?”. We absolutely need to ask this, because many of us don’t know how to ask for help and how to receive it. It on its own is a hard change to ask someone to make you lunch or clean your laundry, or listen to you whilst you feel weak and need to cry. All of this is vulnerable and by asking this question you give the strength to your loved one to support them in a way that they feel comfortable with. It is also ok, if they don’t know yet. Keep on asking and tell them why it is important for you to help.
    3. Educate yourself on their specific condition so that they do not have to explain it to you. I need to explain what adenomyosis is almost every time I mention it publicly. I’m grateful when a person knows what it is, because then we can have an actual conversation about it. Instead of me explaining, I can talk about my experiences and feel more heard and seen. By being one of the close persons they can talk to about how it is can help to feel less alone.

    As you may have noticed these actions involve vulnerable and uncomfortable conversations and actions from your side. For the communication to be truly giving you need to listen more, than talk. This may be your chance to train how to be a better listener.

    Everyone’s illness story is different and that also is important to understand. Although I have adenomyosis I am able to live a comfortable life as I’ve found simple treatments that work for me, whilst I know women who need operations for that same result, and there are many women who eventually remove their cervix to get back to a normal life. Whilst others never do.

    A life with chronic illness shakes up the whole lifestyle we had before, and grieving that is a big part of it. By caring for your loved one, you may see ups and downs, but know that your support means the world for them. They can’t and don’t have to go through it alone and that’s the greatest gift you can give to them. Your love and attention is what they need the most and what you can choose to give.

    Whilst I don’t wish for anyone’s loved one to get a chronic illness, nowadays I’m grateful that I get to share my experiences with my sis’ and we can talk about it as it is. We understand the process and although we have different issues, we support each other the way it is most helpful at that moment.

    P.S. If you have a chronic illness, I coach on this topic as well. It is a specific type of coaching, so we always need to have an intake free call to understand if coaching can be helpful at this moment.

    I’ve benefit from combining: 1. finding healthcare professionals I trust. 2. going to a psychologist to deal with my grief and worries. 3. coaching as a method to find helpful ways to create a future that is loving and sustainable towards me.

  • I will be happy when I will find the one.

    I will be happy when I will find the one.

    Have you ever noticed yourself thinking this sentence?

    This is a belief many of us share when we are healing our relationship wounds.

    If you catch yourself thinking “that you will be happy when X happens”, you set yourself up for a life of longing. This is in fact a limiting belief that keeps us stuck.

    First answer this: How much has it cost you to believe that you will be happy when you will find the one?

    How many relationships where sorted as not good enough because of it?

    To how many dates you didn’t go, because it didn’t feel like the other person was the one?

    How many people you find attracting, whilst believing this? How long have you tried to find the one?

    Take it in. It might be unbearable to notice how much impact this belief has had on your life. Yet it is going to be your motivator to change it.

    Now that you know the impact, you can choose to take action towards finding a helpful belief.

    Let’s start the process by tapping into your deep knowing (intuition) and ask openly:

    Is this belief actually true?

    Your knowing probably answered ‘no’, because it knows that you can be happy, fulfilled and loved as you are and there is more than one person available to you.

    That is a helpful belief right there.

    Mindset change is something that we need to repeat to build a new neural pathway towards the outcome we want. That’s why coaching is so powerful: it accesses the parts of our mind that find solutions and build new connections in our mind, which help us to realise that we can achieve and receive what we want.

    You see a person who has limiting beliefs about romantic relationships is very quick to notice all that is not going well and find coping mechanisms to explain the reality.

    Whilst a person who works on changing their beliefs and create new helpful ones expands their mind to notice other possibilities. They start to see what could go well, they get a more positive outlook on their options and feel more secure in their own ability to choose a good partner.

    In fact my clients feel more fulfilled with themselves as they are and don’t need to control so much to find the love they seek. They start to give themselves the love they need and become much more attractive, especially to others who are compatible with them.

    Us being truthfully ourselves makes us shine and the persons who seek what we are can notice us with ease.

    So is it time to stop waiting for someone else to make you happy? Take the power back and become effortlessly attractive to the right ones?

    Message me “LOVE” to tarotmysteriestribe@gmail.com and find out how Relationship Coaching can help you.

  • Ask your questions

    Ask your questions

    What if you tried to solve that one issue that nags you regularly with your romantic partner? What if you could share your needs clearly with your family? What if you could be honest with your colleagues about your thoughts on the project? What if you trusted yourself whole-heartedly?

    Perhaps what came up inspires you to try to find ways to solve the issues you experience in the relationships around you or the relationship you have with yourself.

    In case you want to change things, but don’t know where and how to begin.. share your issues of the moment anonymously and I will respond in a blog post (within 1-2 weeks) to give you a chance to get inspired and become more open about your needs and finding ways to meet them!

    I’m aware that these topics are vulnerable and that’s why I give you the chance to be anonymous,

    to hopefully give you a boost of courage to reach out to a professional when you are ready to face them in person and change things actively.