This guide is best right after you’ve broken up and still feel shitty. These are meant for those who are experiencing the hardship of a break-up and wish to move on.
Modern neuroscience has proven that break ups can hurt as much as a broken arm might. The neurobiology of this state is similar to addiction to substances. No wonder you feel both broken and addicted to the one who broke you..
But what can you do to move on? To heal and enjoy life once again?
1st crucial step – avoid the familiar
Since the ending of a romantic relationship is similar for the body as when getting off drugs you’re addicted to, it’s very important to avoid visiting places and activities that remind you of them. If you lived together: reorganise your house, get rid of the pictures and their things and go out as much as possible. Fill your mind with what else is available in this vast world. Try to create new experiences.
2nd step – awareness and acceptance
With broken bones you wouldn’t think twice, you would rush to a hospital to treat your body. Well this is more of a mind-brain-emotional breakage so the doctor to go to is a mental health professional. Pick someone you feel you can trust and be honest to. Options vary from psychologists to coaches specialising in relationship care. But to be honest, any form of being able to be truthful of how you feel and accepting it will be what does the trick. Yet, often break ups reveal underlying deeper issues and that’s why a professional can be the best choice not to fall back into the same pattern again.
Sometimes the first step is to reach out to a close person and tell them that you are suffering. Asking for help and accepting it is brave and you are worth it!
Since we need closure to move on, you can also become aware of what wasn’t working out so well. Maybe even create a list of things you didn’t like so much about the relationship.
3rd step – healthy routine
I kid you not, in the times when I’ve been most down and there have been many, having a regular simple routine like your job or something you do daily is the best way to rewire your brain to go through the process, whilst recovering towards being happy again.
Healthy exercise is one of the ways to get a healthy dose of dopamine, which is able to give a sense of reward and helps to have better sleep.
Going to sleep at the same time and waking up at the same time (even on the weekends) can help your mind to process all that is going on and renew your system whilst you rest. Good sleep routine is always helpful to give us the energy we need, and remember – your body is healing at the moment. So take proper healing care of it, as if though it had a broken limb.
In case you do not have a morning and evening routine – try it out. In the mornings you might have connected to your ex, now it’s time to create new actions to surpass your past habit. You can connect to a close friend instead by texting them “good morning” or perhaps you prefer to try out something for yourself. You can journal your feelings, you can exercise, you can put on a song you like and dance. You actually can do whatever you want.
Of course, the challenge is that in the morning our subconscious is the most active and it can bring all the memories flooding back. When that happens, put on 5 or 10 min. timer and let them out ( feeling all that is and accepting it as it is according to the 2nd step of this guide). After that go and do your morning routine as you rewire yourself for a new way of living on your own terms.
I also mentioned the evening routine, because that one can get out of hand quickly. It’s so easy to start to scroll on your phone, binge watch, play video games late into night etc. All that leads to is wanting to text your ex. That’s why you need to choose a new habit for your evenings that can help you get to bed in time and build up a good sleeping schedule. Again, if the emotions are flooding you: put 5 to 10 min. timer and let them out – cry, scream, move, write. Whatever you need to feel. Accepting emotions like this allows the stress related to them to be released in a healthy and safe way.
It may seem like a lot, if you never had built a healthy routine, but perhaps this is a sign to take care of yourself truly.
4th step – connections
This may be a true challenge, but it is very very important that you have a support system around you. Be it your friends or family, or perhaps a support group, even cuddling animals. Healing happens in connection to others as we are social beings, only by being a little bit social can give you the connection you need. Of course, a romantic relationship connects in areas that might not be the same.
If you feel alone chances are that you need to learn to connect to more people around you. For some this will be a strong learning moment, that your ex did not have to be your only way of connecting. Connection needs to be with multiple people, not just one. Why? Because we need different connections for different purposes. And many of us have mistaken our partners to be the sole providers of that..
IF you are a man who doesn’t have close male friends it is important you start to create them! If you are a woman who doesn’t have close female friends it’s time to start to create such friendships!
I say this, because you need a support system around you. Of course, it can be from the other gender, but the chances are that you are a straight person reading this and perhaps you leaned onto your ex for being your best friend. But romantic relationships are not meant to be for that.
In healthy romantic relationships each person relates with many people as friends and family, and also likes to relate to their romantic partner, but is not dependent on it solely. The romantic relationship is reserved for sexual and very intimate relating, whilst many of the friendships are a part of the actual support system around. If this is new to you, talk about it with your therapist and do some research about building healthy relationships and friendships.
Although your heart might be a “broken bone” at the moment, every bone heals!
Emotions heal when you feel them with acceptance and empathy, and the brain rewires as you take new actions. We humans are incredibly adaptive and you are at a space of opportunity. A place where you can build a lifestyle you truly enjoy and eventually have the loving romantic relationship you are truly worthy of. Being with someone who likes you for who you are.
It is possible, but now try out the steps and heal my dear – a day at a time.
P.S. If you want to explore how my service as a relationship coach can help you move on from your break up – reach out to my email tarotmysteriestribe@gmail.com texting “Breakup”. We will have a 30min. free coaching session to understand if coaching with me is what you want at this moment.
Some of the sources for this blog post:
- Using the logic of neuroscience to heal from a breakup ( Jaimee Bell about researches of Dr. Guy Winch and Dr. Helen Fisher, Dr. Edward Smith)
- Rewire Your Neurotoolkit for Everyday Life (Neuroscientist Nicole Vignola)
- The Neurobiology Behind Breakups ( Rhonda Freeman Ph.D. for Psychology Today )
- The Neuroscience of Relationship Breakups ( Melanie Greenberg Ph.D. for Psychology Today )
- Broken heart, broken brain: The neurology of breaking up and how to get over it ( Clif Mark interviewing Dr. Mike Dow for CBC Life)
